i'd rather be a loser.

why are we so quick to manipulate. why do we look for every personal gain. why do we focus so much on ourselves. why do we step on everyone. it's such a vicious cycle. i hate it. i hate that i've done it and do it. i hate that it keeps me awake at night thinking of everyone i've kept awake at night. i hate that i've made people feel bad about making other people feel bad. i hate that it haunts me even though i've desperately tried to let it go. i hate that other people don't go through this. but i'm not jealous. it at least means my heart is still warm. it's so pathetic our entire life is plagued by this manipulation. and intense desire to get ahead. school. work. the gym. relationships. even in our LOVE. we are looking to better ourselves. we are looking to grow closer to Him. not saying that's bad, but what happens when we shut everyone else out of our life. what happens when we become hyperfocused on ourselves. if we're with Him aren't we going to see everything around us. aren't we going to see them hurting. crying. searching. screaming out desperately for Him. it won't be blatant. it won't be obvious. they'll hide it behind anything and everything. but they are. they crave LOVE. aren't we going to know He wants us with them. to know He wants us to help them. need us? ha no. but WANT us--more than we could ever imagine.