alpha

i'm far more than any of you expect. my passions. my thoughts. my philosophy. my confusion. my past. my sin. my faults. my demons. my relationships. my insecurites. my love. my heart. my soul. you probably know a combination of a few of these, but very few know them all, if any. the things posted here will be real. they may not be true. they may not have happened. but they will

be real. they will be genuine. i will strive to place a part of myself in every single thing posted here. some will be happy, light-hearted, fun. some will be dark. He has made me. He knows exactly who i am and who i will be. He knows my pains. He knows my sensitivites. i know i'm not who i want to be yet. i know i'm not. but she's in here. she pokes her head out and inspires me. gives me strength to go on. He has allowed her to begin to grow inside of me. with His help fighting battles i could never win on my own. she's scarred up. she's been through things no one would ever expect. she's killed on multiple occasions. she's been to the point of extinction. she's been comatose and code blue. she's also been victorious. she's been strong. she's loved. she's been loved. she's been allowed to heal others. she's been held. she's been given a craving/hunger/addiction for her LOVE. she's being consumed with Him. she's feeling love and giving love that she's never dreamed of. she hurts for those in pain. she hurts for those unaware of the life they could be living. she's tired of the mediocrity. she's tired of the apathy. she tired of the inhibitions and judgement from those who said they wouldn't. she's tired of the condescending. she knows she's no better than scum. she knows she deserves to die. she knows that without Him she is nothing. she knows that with Him she can do anything. she knows she's continually growing. she's no better or wiser than anyone. she casts judgement on none and loves all. she can feel Him in others. she knows that she knows and grasps so little of reality. she realizes her size in the grand scheme of things. she'll love you more than she's capable of. she'll hurt with you. she'll show you all she knows. she'll genuinely try to help you. she'll mess up. she'll hurt you. she'll let you down. it will tear her up inside that she did. but she knows that will show you is that He is the only one who'll NEVER hurt you because that's how she learned it. she'll attempt explanations. and i know i've already said this but she will LOVE. she emphasizes that LOVE should come first and foremost always. He's been telling her to get ready. that her time is coming. that who i am in this moment will die. and who i am in every moment of my life will continue to die. everyday i will die and everyday i'll become more of her.