wordswordswords.

i have so many words swimming in my head i'm not sure which ones to put down. i'm trying so desperately to remember when it was that i stopped feeling horrible. when i stopped crying. when i stopped the paranoia. and how i did it. how i just let Him in. how i died. how my life became His. how it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. how i got to a point of relief. and peace. and life. help me show them how. but more than that help me show them You.

i'd rather be a loser.

why are we so quick to manipulate. why do we look for every personal gain. why do we focus so much on ourselves. why do we step on everyone. it's such a vicious cycle. i hate it. i hate that i've done it and do it. i hate that it keeps me awake at night thinking of everyone i've kept awake at night. i hate that i've made people feel bad about making other people feel bad. i hate that it haunts me even though i've desperately tried to let it go. i hate that other people don't go through this. but i'm not jealous. it at least means my heart is still warm. it's so pathetic our entire life is plagued by this manipulation. and intense desire to get ahead. school. work. the gym. relationships. even in our LOVE. we are looking to better ourselves. we are looking to grow closer to Him. not saying that's bad, but what happens when we shut everyone else out of our life. what happens when we become hyperfocused on ourselves. if we're with Him aren't we going to see everything around us. aren't we going to see them hurting. crying. searching. screaming out desperately for Him. it won't be blatant. it won't be obvious. they'll hide it behind anything and everything. but they are. they crave LOVE. aren't we going to know He wants us with them. to know He wants us to help them. need us? ha no. but WANT us--more than we could ever imagine.

hater gonna hate.

i've recently been around rejectors. with haters. with those deemed "cool" or "socially acceptable" who shut out those who don't fit. i've recently witnessed someone so broken from feeling used and betrayed they were falling apart. i coud literally feel this person's soul crumbingly into pieces. i've seen the life drain out of someone's eyes knowing they were the person that no one wanted. it made me hurt and ache and squirm. uncomfortable. it made me angry. it made me want to fill them. but it's not me. it's Him. the people that seem awkward (whatever that really means). the ones who hover. the ones who don't always have the witty or funny thing to say. the ones who try so desperately to fit in. i will-must show them LOVE. who are we to shut them out? who are we to say they're strange or to shun and exclude them? or even talk about them? this life of LOVE i've adopted was not just for the beautiful. it was not just for the entertaining and talented. it was for everyone. no matter their awkward or "creeper" status or their life or their struggles or the things they do or the things they say or the things they believe. He just LOVEs regardless and so must i. i was that chunky kid in elementary. i was the one who looks different. i was the sheltered one. i was the new kid. i was-am the awkward angsty teenager and He LOVEs me. who am we to decipher those deemed worthy. i sure as hell am not. i'm awkward and vile and dirty. i'm a monster. but in Him i'm not. i'm radiant and beautiful. and so are you.

solitary confinement

i wake up. i come to work. monday through friday. minimal interaction. i sit in a desk. i talk with no one. i answer phones. i transfer calls. i sit. i wait desperately for 5 o'clock. i feel alone. the time doesn't even crawl by. it seems to sit still. i know i should never feel alone. but it becomes increasingly hard when you really are. everyone around me is used to this. used to not interacting. i get a quick hello. or quicker goodbye. a goodnight. an occasional, how are you. some instruction. these few don't know me. and i know very little of them. they shut me out. they look at me as if i'm nothing more than a receptionist. a machine to take their calls and enter information. i now know why there is media portraying office life. fight club. office space. there's millions. unrealistic. the reality: it's a fish tank. we do the same thing everyday. i will not be here the rest of my life. "good afternoon _______" "one moment please". those will not be the most used words in my vernacular. so to say that i'm alone is very correct. to say that i am lonely is even more so. i need you.

i love you

being christian means CHRIST like or like CHRIST (redundant?)
it doesn't mean judge/hypocrite/mocker/condescending/fearful/apathetic/lukewarm. it doesn't just mean getting dressed up once a week to act like your life is flawless or anywhere near flawless. it doesn't just mean living a moral life. it doesn't just mean having all the right answer for everyone. it doesn't mean being happy all the time. it doesn't mean you have to beat yourself up if you fall. it doesn't mean you won't.
lately i've been not associating myself with "christians" because of all of that. i say i believe in love; which i still very much do, but i'm realizing i am a christian. it's sad and pathetic that part of me is still embarassed to say that. to feel the need to explain and excuse myself to break away from what it's become. when did we become such a joke?? well i'm done with that embarassment. i'm taking back that name. and reclaiming it. Christian does not mean Westboro church. that's a bold-faced lie. believe it or not the first christians didn't call themselves that. they didn't give themselves that title. other people did. other people saw how they acted and heard how they spoke and bestowed this lovely nickname upon them which means verbatim: CHRIST-like. so uhh...basically these people acted like Him. CHRIST met people where they were at. The thief, the prostitute, the doubter, the one with the quick temper, the traitor, the failures, the losers, the sick, the monsters, the freaks, the average, the above-average, the rich, the well-educated, the poor. He looked past what they were and loved them; saw them. He didn't judge them or condemn them or hate them or speak with them in a condescending tone. He ate lunch with them. He asked them for water. He washed their feet. He healed their friends and family. He stood up for them. He had their backs when everyone else made fun of them or judged them. He genuinely cared for them. He wanted better for them. He helped them figure things out. He didn't see their shame, their sin, their past, even their present. He didn't expect them to go learn the Torah or know everything. He didn't expect them to have their lives all figured out and flawless. He didn't remind them of their faults and He indefinitely didn't throw it back in their face. He was understanding. He was everything i want so much to be. He was real. and for those who say other wise. i have no kind or tolerant way of saying this. you're wrong. i'm not being belligerent; i'm not being outrageous. i'm loving you. i'm sacrifcing what you may think of me, for you. i'm desperately trying to show you love in the most fantastic way there is. you are precious to me. i think something of you. and for me to put our relationship on the line is a big deal. for me to risk you thinking i'm rude or snobby or whatever lies you're believeing right now is a big deal. if you know me at all you know i'm not even close to being judgemental or not understanding or close-minded. i love you. and anyone who's ever seen a glimpse of the love i'm giving knows it's real. it's not pretty. it's not simple. it's not easy. but it's realhonesttrue. it's someone you've never even met dragging, not walking, dragging his mangled body through a dusty dirty street. with a tree on his back. it wasn't a smooth sanded pretty cross like we see all the time. it was a tree. a splintery, insect-filled dirty tree. it's the same someone. having huge metal nails shoved through his wrists and feet. and those of you with piercings and tattoos. just think of huge rusty nails being shoved all the way through. not just a surface piercing. through tendons, muscles, ligaments. it's Him hanging there by nothing but those gaping wounds probably swollen red and irriated with infection. not to mention all the excess torturing He was going through. thorns, spit, punches, and slaps here and there i'm sure, and the words being thrown at Him. cyber-bullying hasn't got anything on that. and what does he say through all of this. Forgive them. He doesn't condemn them, he doesn't scream at them or curse them or even say anything negative about them. He doesn't complain. He doesn't smite them or threaten them. He loves them. He sees one next to him. He meets him where he's at. hanging there hardly conscious. Tells him that there's a place for him. tells him that He loves him. while He's dying He loves. then He goes through something we will never have to go through. God turns his back on Him. that is one sense of rejection we will never have to feel if we accept LOVE. God is chasing you/ pursuing you/ sprinting after you/ reaching for you. and what did He go through for that. rejection. He spent three days in a tomb. He sat patiently waiting. but He came back. He obliterated/conquered/punched death in the throat for you. He loved you enough to fight for you. to die for you. and you didn't even exist yet. He didn't change His mind. He didn't quit when it got hard. He didn't make up excuses. He didn't make any expectations or requirements for it. that's love. it's so simple just let Him love you. you aren't giving anything up. that's just a lie. the dark one will tell you that. he'll tell you this is a joke. he'll tell you it isn't real. that it isn't fun. that it's just a lot of rules. not true. i did the party scene. i did the dating scene. i tried to fill my life with more than you could imagine. ask me. and i promise you he'll tell you that. and do you know why? because you're a threat. you could do him a lot of damage if you let LOVE in. the dark one doesn't want you happy. he wants you miserable. do you know why? because he is. he wants to destroy you. he wants you continually chasing after things that fill you up for a little while. for things  that feel nice for a little while. but ultimately he doesn't care about you. he sure as hell wouldn't die for you. not even close. but He does. seriously, just try it. what could it hurt. honestly. what could jumping into this for as little as a week hurt? but really really jumping in. not just sticking your toes in and getting scared or having a mental block and wall up against it the whole time. if you're such a risk taker prove it. you want power? you want to be loved? of course you do. you know you do. let Him love you. just do it. you don't have to say some elaborate prayer or speak in tongues. just tell Him that you want Him to love you. that you believe everything He did was real. that He came down here and died for you. and that you've screwed stuff up and you're empty inside and you're sick of only being temporarily filled. tell him you want some long-term satisfaction and you want Him to fill that hole you've got. just try it. i dare you. and if you want to know more go read his love letter. read whatever interests you. want more of His life here go for early New Testament. want more of how Christians should really act go for later New Testament. songwriter? read some Psalms. like quotes? Proverbs. want some battles, love affairs, history jump into the Old Testament. depressed? read Job. when all else fails google it or ask me. i love you, remember.

alpha

i'm far more than any of you expect. my passions. my thoughts. my philosophy. my confusion. my past. my sin. my faults. my demons. my relationships. my insecurites. my love. my heart. my soul. you probably know a combination of a few of these, but very few know them all, if any. the things posted here will be real. they may not be true. they may not have happened. but they will

be real. they will be genuine. i will strive to place a part of myself in every single thing posted here. some will be happy, light-hearted, fun. some will be dark. He has made me. He knows exactly who i am and who i will be. He knows my pains. He knows my sensitivites. i know i'm not who i want to be yet. i know i'm not. but she's in here. she pokes her head out and inspires me. gives me strength to go on. He has allowed her to begin to grow inside of me. with His help fighting battles i could never win on my own. she's scarred up. she's been through things no one would ever expect. she's killed on multiple occasions. she's been to the point of extinction. she's been comatose and code blue. she's also been victorious. she's been strong. she's loved. she's been loved. she's been allowed to heal others. she's been held. she's been given a craving/hunger/addiction for her LOVE. she's being consumed with Him. she's feeling love and giving love that she's never dreamed of. she hurts for those in pain. she hurts for those unaware of the life they could be living. she's tired of the mediocrity. she's tired of the apathy. she tired of the inhibitions and judgement from those who said they wouldn't. she's tired of the condescending. she knows she's no better than scum. she knows she deserves to die. she knows that without Him she is nothing. she knows that with Him she can do anything. she knows she's continually growing. she's no better or wiser than anyone. she casts judgement on none and loves all. she can feel Him in others. she knows that she knows and grasps so little of reality. she realizes her size in the grand scheme of things. she'll love you more than she's capable of. she'll hurt with you. she'll show you all she knows. she'll genuinely try to help you. she'll mess up. she'll hurt you. she'll let you down. it will tear her up inside that she did. but she knows that will show you is that He is the only one who'll NEVER hurt you because that's how she learned it. she'll attempt explanations. and i know i've already said this but she will LOVE. she emphasizes that LOVE should come first and foremost always. He's been telling her to get ready. that her time is coming. that who i am in this moment will die. and who i am in every moment of my life will continue to die. everyday i will die and everyday i'll become more of her.